Hanifa - A Mamacita with Big, Bold Dreams
Do you ever think back to when you were a fearless little girl? When nothing else mattered except what you wanted and would achieve when you grew up? Would you be a Doctor, a Lawyer, or would you dare say you would be President one day? For many of us, life takes many turns, and we end up where we least expect. Sometimes those turns take us to places we don’t want to be, but those places often give you so much more than you imagined. Our December Mamacita Hanifa once dreamt of showcasing her talents on Hollywood’s biggest stages. Even imagining herself holding an Academy Award. But as life would have it, she found herself having to close the door to her big dreams and find purpose in others. With time, a lot of self-work, and determination, her new ambitions were grander and more fulfilling than she ever imagined possible.
As we head into the end of another year full of uncertainty, we highlight the story of a Mamacita who, even though her journey did not take her where she once dreamt, dared to pursue even bigger dreams. Hanifa is a Mamacita of four, the Assistant Commissioner for the New Jersey State Department of Education, and the Founder of the lifestyle brand Disrupting Balance®. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Communications from Georgia State University, a Law Degree from Rutgers Law School, and an MBA from Cornell University. Working Mamacitas, thanks you, Hanifa, for your tenacity and allowing us to share your fascinating story.
IN HER OWN WORDS - as narrated to Gisset
When I was 11-years old, I lived in a large apartment with my family in Georgia. In the shadows of that space, I mimicked stars and performed for my parent’s friends when they would visit. I knew then that I wanted to be an actor and pleated with my parents to take me to New York to pursue my dream. Since that never happened, when I was old enough, I packed everything I could in my car and headed West. I had started dating my now-husband a few months before the move. I asked him if he would be crazy enough to move across the country to pursue my dreams of becoming a successful actress in Hollywood. He agreed, and we were off. Life couldn’t get any better; I was in my early 20’s about to settle in Los Angeles and do what I loved - act. When we arrived, I was welcomed with an unexpected surprise; I was pregnant.
When I found out I was pregnant, I felt that my acting dreams were shattered. I cried so much because I felt the loss of my transition from daddy’s girl to my boyfriend’s partner and then soon-to-be a Mamacita. While dealing with this new reality, we also had to maneuver jobs, finances, neighborhoods, friends, and family. At first, I believed that acting would still take priority; I didn’t care that I would be a Mamacita; I thought I could do it all. Once my baby was born, I realized he would prioritize everything. One of my biggest challenges, when I became a Mamacita, was coming to terms with my new identity. I was still trying to figure out who I was, yet I had to also mold my child. I felt a little bit of resentment at first because I had to think about others before making decisions for myself. We had come to Los Angeles to pursue my acting dreams. Instead, I spent those first few years working temporary jobs to support our family, which had become a party of four (now is a party of six). One day, I had an AHA moment while watching Love & Basketball. There is a scene where the mother explains to her daughter how she had to put her dreams of becoming a caterer on hold to raise her family. That scene felt so relatable, and it motivated me to get up and pursue my own dreams. That night I told my husband that if I didn’t start acting, I would spend the rest of my life resenting myself for not doing so. With his support, I walked away from our steady income to pursue my dreams.
Once I had made this major decision, I went all in. I signed up for acting classes, had headshots taken, landed an agent, and started going out on auditions. I began to gain momentum and booked a few commercials, had roles in short films, and even a successful play. It was an exciting time because I would go out for many auditions, and I felt closer to my goals. While I pursued acting, my husband studied at UCLA and was close to graduating. He had decided that he wanted to go to law school once he graduated and was accepted to Pepperdine University in Los Angeles and Rutgers Law School in New Jersey. Although he would settle to accept his offer from Pepperdine, I knew his heart was in New Jersey. This put me in a challenging position because it all happened when I had landed my first national television audition with the show Boston Public. I knew maintaining an acting career thousands of miles away wouldn’t work, and I believe I was a Mamacita before an actress. At that time, leaving Hollywood felt like a major life shift, but I found comfort and hope in the New York acting scene. And just like that, our family moved to New Jersey.
Once we settled in New Jersey, I started to pursue acting in New York. It didn’t take very long for me to figure out that something had to give, and I’d have to find a new dream. I had two young children, my husband had a demanding class schedule, and the travel between the city and New Jersey was taking a toll. Not to mention, acting in New York is expensive, and my kids were in daycare longer than I wished. I made the decision to stop acting. I felt hopeless and without direction or purpose. It took me years to let go of the resentment from making this decision. I wasn’t resentful towards my husband; I just felt I had folded too soon and couldn’t help but wonder, “what if.” I spent a lot of time grieving my old identity, constantly trying to find a new one. Something that I finally learned how to shed upon entering my 40’s. For me, the way I grieved was by constantly pursuing success.
Because of this, I pursued a Law Degree from Rutgers Law School and eventually my MBA from Cornell University. But even this didn’t bring me joy. Not long after closing the door on acting, I started looking for a new purpose; back when I was living in Los Angeles, I had volunteered with an organization that focused on teaching young girls etiquette skills. I was reminded how much I enjoyed that experience, and it propelled me to enter the world of education. I started off as a Substitute Teacher, then a full-time Teacher, Administrator and eventually, it paved the road to where I am today, an Executive in Education Administration. On paper, I have crossed all my T’s and dotted my I’s; I have an elite education and my career trajectory is something I am very proud of. But even with these accomplishments, my creative spirit reminded me that there was something else waiting for me.
In 2019, after graduating from business school, I was on track to land the fanciest corporate job when my spirit started to shift a bit. I had experienced a few major life events that forced me to throw my hands up and surrender. Until then, I had lived by the rules of others and put pressure on myself to balance it all. In this exasperation, I decided to stop pleasing everyone else and reject the whole work-life balance philosophy that is unrealistic. I became content with being perfectly imbalanced, and I wanted to hear from other women experiencing the same and searched for a creative outlet. At first, I didn’t know what it was; but I began by regularly posting workout videos on Instagram to inspire other women. When I found women showed interest in this, I thought starting a blog would be a good idea, and in February 2020, I launched the blog - Disrupting Balance®. In April of that same year, I took my creative efforts one step further and launched a podcast. This outlet has become a lifestyle brand to help women find harmony in the imbalance of work, well-being & the in-between. It’s been two years since I launched my blog, and within this time, I have met and interviewed many women with inspiring stories. Through this, I learned that there is no such thing as giving up on your dreams. Sometimes we have to adjust them, but the seed you plant will always flourish and give you much more.
For all the Mamacitas out there - don’t be consumed with the struggle that you lose sight of the dream. We all have dream seeds waiting to be planted. However, day-to-day life and chasing others’ perceptions force us to consume only what we see. The only way to get to the dream is to know that there is faith in the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen. That faith will lift your eyes from the struggle toward the dream.
As you can see, Hanifa is another incredibly fierce Mamacita. She is showing us that just because something doesn’t work out doesn’t mean there isn’t something else bigger and bolder waiting for us to achieve.
I’d like to close by sharing that Hanifa and I met many years ago, not long after she first moved to Los Angeles. We were both Assistants at a Financial Firm with desks next to each other. We built a friendship based on our similar dreams. She dreamed of becoming a successful actress while I dreamed of becoming a big-time Hollywood Makeup Artist. Even though our journeys took us to different places, our friendship and support for one another have remained through the years. Our families have expanded as we’ve aged, and our careers have evolved, but we still are those 20-something-year-old girls with big, bold dreams.
Xoxo - G
To find out more about Hanifa Barnes visit Disrupting Balance.
